*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
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My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
When your parents check you’re ok.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious