Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
You Might Also Like
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
monday
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
consequences, the bane of my existence
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
ouch
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]