Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
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A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
oh u like geography? name every lake
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.