79.
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A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.