@kiralc

explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”

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@UncleDuke1969

“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”

@seandunn76

Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?

Hey, is that guy dead?

@DonSchanke

For once I would like to find a babysitter that doesn’t get all upset when she gets to my house and realizes I don’t have kids

@caithuls

[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY

@Mr_Kapowski

[gently brushes your hair out of your face]

“You’re gonna be so pissed when you wake up and see your haircut,” I whisper

@XplodingUnicorn

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.

@AntiSemanticShw

In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.

@ShellHasDragons

First meeting working remotely.

My boss: turn the camera on please
Me: it’s broken

What. You’re wearing pants to work from home?

@haleysfalling

bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore