“You called about a break-in?”
“Just some food.”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
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Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
For once I would like to find a babysitter that doesn’t get all upset when she gets to my house and realizes I don’t have kids
Did you know that ants are free? You can just take one!
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
[gently brushes your hair out of your face]
“You’re gonna be so pissed when you wake up and see your haircut,” I whisper
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
First meeting working remotely.
My boss: turn the camera on please
Me: it’s broken
What. You’re wearing pants to work from home?
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore