explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
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Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Sheep
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes