explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
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customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
I used to be married, but I’m better now
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.