[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
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my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
*sewing*
A thread
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.