explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no

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narrator: sparta was a martial society where boys started military training as early as age 7
me (through a mouthful of pasta): HELL YEAH THATS (out of breath now) how things ought to be


Me: can i play music

Funeral director: that’s not appropriate

Me: nana would’ve wanted it

Director: ok

CD player: someBODY once told me


If you drop your phone but pick it up within five seconds, you can still eat it.


Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel


Doctor: You suffer from delusions

Me: I don’t think so

Doctor: They seem real but they’re not

Stuart Little: He’s lying to you

Me: Yeah I know


Considering Queen Elizabeth’s age, that God Save The Queen song is really working.


Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.

Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?

Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?


INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?

ME: Getting out of corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?

ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?

ME: Guess this is my time to shine.


*gets laser eye surgery*

“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”

I told you, that’s not what—

*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*