[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
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[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?