[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
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I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.