Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
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You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
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The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.