EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
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WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher