Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
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date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
peeping toms
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.