*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
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the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
crochet youtube is brutal
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.