My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
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Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
I told a deer joke once. It was very fawny.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.