Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.

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My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”


How come when my kid wants to show me something, she has to place it directly inside my cornea?


I used to sanitize my son’s bottles and Lysol his toys.

Then I caught him chewing on the dog’s tail.


“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“can i dim the lights


If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.


Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!


Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.


It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.


I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!


I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.