@PoliticalGroove

Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.

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@Senor_LongDong

My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”

@mishakey

How come when my kid wants to show me something, she has to place it directly inside my cornea?

@PJisBeast

I used to sanitize my son’s bottles and Lysol his toys.

Then I caught him chewing on the dog’s tail.

@MrSpoonicorn

“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights

@carlyken

If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.

@LanieLalaBugs

Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!

@NintenDom

Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.

@Twits_Giggles

It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.

@daemonic3

I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!

@themorris23

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.