*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
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Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting