“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
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BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.