Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
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COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
In regards to Fyre Festival. I have a new hero.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit