[extreme Judas Priest voice]
馃幎 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 馃幎
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*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He鈥檚 better off now.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it鈥檚 free to take, because that鈥檚 a really cool mailbox.
Some of you won鈥檛 be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
I鈥檓 bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Maybe she鈥檚 born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schr枚dinger: Nice, nice
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 馃檨
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
I know that we aren鈥檛 supposed to self diagnose but I鈥檝e googled all of my
symptoms and I鈥檓 fairly sure I鈥檓 a raccoon
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I鈥檇 fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don鈥檛 know where you belong. You鈥檙e very insane.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
I can fix him.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who鈥檚 not afraid to say what鈥檚 on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time