[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
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I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
I can’t be the only one 😂
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Can Happiness buy money?