*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
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[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
My work here is done
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…