*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
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Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.