Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
You Might Also Like
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
I can’t deal with men any longer
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
How actors in movies eat their food
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.