eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
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a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something