eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
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guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.