Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Dilated Pupils

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I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.


me: do you want to play some ps4?

frenchman: oui

me: no we only have the playstation


Friend: Are you free this weekend?

Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse


I saw this lady vogueing alone so I felt bad and started dancing with her. Anyone know sign language for ‘Im sorry’?


Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.


*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”


That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.


First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.


Satan: Everybody get online & read stuff that makes you mad for eternity
Guy next to me: Nooooo
Me: I trained my whole life for this