Eye Exam Lamaze Class
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Dilated Pupils
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I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.