Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
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Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?