@FlyoverJoel

Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.

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@causticbob

I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.

If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.

@Mr_Kapowski

*scientist finishes bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal and begins drinking the milk*

“Wait just one damn minute”

– How horchata was born

@Dawn_M_

If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.

@DrakeGatsby

Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.

@OneWonderWoman

A facebook friend posted, “I’m not ashamed of Jesus.” It took every single ounce of my willpower not to reply, “Uh oh. What did he do now?”

@Jamberee13

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

@welone1

Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.

@thejamietighe

Coworker: What book you reading there?

Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’

CW:…

Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.