I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
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People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Worlds greatest photobomb
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?