*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
You Might Also Like
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain