@mattZillaaaa

*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs

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@SaraMansford

Maybe artists wouldn’t be so starving all the time if they’d just eat all that fruit they’re always painting.

@WilliamRodgers

YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???

My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…

@ToxicProbably

Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore

@funnyordie

Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.

@ParaComedian09

If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.

@sonictyrant

Sloth Dad: i got some fireworks to celebrate your birthday

Sloth Son: um dad my birthday is four months away

Sloth Dad: okay I’m lighting them get ready to run

@thatdutchperson

“And why did you join our gym?”

??to stay healthy
??a friend recommended it
??I’ve seen myself naked

@mydmac

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.