*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs

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Maybe artists wouldn’t be so starving all the time if they’d just eat all that fruit they’re always painting.



My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…


Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore


Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.


If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.


Sloth Dad: i got some fireworks to celebrate your birthday

Sloth Son: um dad my birthday is four months away

Sloth Dad: okay I’m lighting them get ready to run


“And why did you join our gym?”

??to stay healthy
??a friend recommended it
??I’ve seen myself naked


I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.