[eyeing a beautiful woman]

ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants

HER: they look terrible on you

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My husband doesn’t like it when I say we are “married” with quotation marks.


Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?


Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway

People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-

Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered


Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.


Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.


A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.


Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?


I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.


*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.


[Conference Call]
“After the tone please say your name”
Me: *nervous* Your name