[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
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*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?