“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
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Ape together strong
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.