@MarloMeekins

F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks

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@AVenezuelan19

Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.

@HRTSMRT

Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.

@fuzzlime

I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.

@julie2288

The hardest part of raising kids is learning to let them go…

Especially when they’re 19 and STILL can’t remember to flush a toilet.

@carlyken

*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”

@withanewname

Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet

– Keys to a successful relationship

@chuuew

[sharing a cold one with the guys]

“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”

@OzKamal

Nobody:

Me at 3am: *googles*
“How to bite mosquitoes back?”