Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
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Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Well, this certainly took a turn
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
The hardest part of raising kids is learning to let them go…
Especially when they’re 19 and STILL can’t remember to flush a toilet.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Brands during Pride
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet
– Keys to a successful relationship
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Me at 3am: *googles*
“How to bite mosquitoes back?”