*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
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Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account