if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
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Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
I support this random dude and all his protests
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.