My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
F1: I’m going camping.
F2: What about the wild animals?
F1: I’ve got that covered. I’ve been secretly training at Furry conventions.
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The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
me: *getting down on one knee*
my gf: omg i can’t believe it’s finally happening
me: *tightening my velcro strap* what
Bad news, the police just seized our German holiday bread. They said it was stollen. Folks, they said it was stollen.
“DO NOT TOUCH” must be the most terrifying thing to read in braille
If you blow out the kid’s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.