@JustDontBugMe

F1: I’m going camping.

F2: What about the wild animals?

F1: I’ve got that covered. I’ve been secretly training at Furry conventions.

You Might Also Like

@thedad

My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.

@smithsara79

The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room

@16bitbulbasaur

me: *getting down on one knee*

my gf: omg i can’t believe it’s finally happening

me: *tightening my velcro strap* what

@KenJennings

Bad news, the police just seized our German holiday bread. They said it was stollen. Folks, they said it was stollen.

@iatemuggles

“DO NOT TOUCH” must be the most terrifying thing to read in braille

@BadassBarbie11

If you blow out the kid’s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.

@TurnpikeTony

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.

@HenpeckedHal

Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.

[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?

@jus4golf

Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.