@shiksaaa

Fabulous Prime: The Gay Transformer.

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@Jamberee13

When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:

@omgshuddup

“Are you good and hard for me yet?”

– me boiling eggs

@Mardigroan

You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.

@jus4golf

95% of my tweets are the truth. The only thing I lie about are statistics.

@Underchilde

Purse snatching is a great way to make some extra money while getting in some cardio.

@jennalynn518

Whenever a bill collector calls I just give the phone to my toddler and tell her it’s Barney.

@PhilJamesson

Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]

@rockymomax

[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher