Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Fabulous Prime: The Gay Transformer.
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When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
95% of my tweets are the truth. The only thing I lie about are statistics.
Purse snatching is a great way to make some extra money while getting in some cardio.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Whenever a bill collector calls I just give the phone to my toddler and tell her it’s Barney.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher