@Anniewritess

Face down, contrast up that’s the way I like to photocopy

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@schumoo

When I think about all that potatoes have done for me I get a little teary eyed

@Bratterina

A 4 year old told me her mom went swimming in the ocean and a baby went into her ear and now its in her tummy and honestly sharks are now the least of my worries.

@causticbob

A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.

He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.

@elfy_scott

This Tik Tok video of a kid eating a huge burger while an entire restaurant increasingly loses their shit is the only thing bringing me base human joy rn.

@dad_on_my_feet

A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?

@donni

Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes

@Quartzjixler

Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.

@ddsmidt

Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.

Bartender: One more then?

Me: Yep

@Smug_Lemur

Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.

@WilliamAder

If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.