Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
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The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
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