When I think about all that potatoes have done for me I get a little teary eyed
Face down, contrast up that’s the way I like to photocopy
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A 4 year old told me her mom went swimming in the ocean and a baby went into her ear and now its in her tummy and honestly sharks are now the least of my worries.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
This Tik Tok video of a kid eating a huge burger while an entire restaurant increasingly loses their shit is the only thing bringing me base human joy rn.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.