[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
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My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
The sacred texts.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine