Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
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Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
I don’t really pay much attention to politics so basically what I’m asking is, does anyone know if it’s still illegal to sell kids on eBay?
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
#I #love #how #you #hashtag #a #million #words #on #all #your #instagram #pics. #i #hope #you #get #your #period #in #a #sharktank.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.