[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

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“I love all quilts, regardless of quality.” – blanket statement


This could be the Alcohol talking but….

OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!


If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.


Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over

Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.


14: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about.’


The secret of a long marriage is accepting the utter euphoria you would feel from strangling your spouse to death isn’t worth life in jail.


My brother goes to “Peninsula High.” When the class of 2015 got senior shirts made, no one decided to regulate them.