[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
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*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
titanic
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels