@_ElvishPresley_

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

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@peteholmez

“I love all quilts, regardless of quality.” – blanket statement

@WilliamRodgers

This could be the Alcohol talking but….

OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!

@215potter

If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.

@MrSandeepP

Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”

@Book_Krazy

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over

Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.

@better_off_dad2

14: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about.’

@PabloGSerski

The secret of a long marriage is accepting the utter euphoria you would feel from strangling your spouse to death isn’t worth life in jail.

@BromanConsul

My brother goes to “Peninsula High.” When the class of 2015 got senior shirts made, no one decided to regulate them.