[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
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[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.