@UnFitz

Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.

I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.

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@KeetPotato

priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]

@DammitLarry1

My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.

@piddle_fart

“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”

It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.

@BumbleDC

*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY

@TheBoydP

Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

@squirrel74wkgn

*walks in restroom reading phone*

*opens stall door & starts peeing*

Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…

@alldrolledup

You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you

@Michael1979

WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT