Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
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[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?