(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?

Me: Enthusiasm.

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Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….

Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.


When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.


Schools should teach kids how to balance a checkbook & basic car maintenance & how to hide a drinking problem. Regular life stuff ya know.


God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me


Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.



i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day


if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310


PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood