(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
You Might Also Like
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Do one person every day that scares you.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me