@geowizzacist

(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?

Me: Enthusiasm.

You Might Also Like

@TrueTorontoGirl

Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….

Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.

@astutenewf

When I call a family meeting I turn off the house wifi and wait for them all to come running.

@Loli_Sug

Schools should teach kids how to balance a checkbook & basic car maintenance & how to hide a drinking problem. Regular life stuff ya know.

@TheAlexNevil

God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me

@Midgetspar

Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.

THEY’RE EVOLVING.

@wolfpupy

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day

@mikassong

if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310

@fro_vo

PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood