[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
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Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane