6yo wants to “have a conversation” with the class bully’s parents. Either he’s mature beyond his years or he’s a mobster.
Face tattoos are a great way to let people know that you don’t owe on any student loans.
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“I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!”
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
wife: [holding our newborn] isn’t he amazing
me: [setting up a squat rack in the hospital room] we’ll see
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…