@TheSnideOne

Face tattoos are a great way to let people know that you don’t owe on any student loans.

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@hpb777

6yo wants to “have a conversation” with the class bully’s parents. Either he’s mature beyond his years or he’s a mobster.

@ianduhig

“I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive: I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!”

@simoncholland

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

@AndyAsAdjective

Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”

@donttouchjames

wife: [holding our newborn] isn’t he amazing

me: [setting up a squat rack in the hospital room] we’ll see

@Reverend_Scott

Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.

@kibblesmith

Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.

RECIPE SITE: Sure!

ME: Thank you.

RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—

ME: *Whispers* No.

RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.

@Love_bug1016

[first date]

Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.

Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.

@obviousplant_

I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…