When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
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Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Only a mother’s love …
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.