I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
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Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
They did not miss in the small print
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it