Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
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My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.