The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
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Brb my Sims are getting married
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious