How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Single: “Looking for sex”
In a relationship: “Having sex”
Married: “Not having sex”
It’s complicated: “Not having sex but my partner is”
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Her: I’m running a little late.
M: how many more seconds er I mean yeah sure take your time.
Me, trying to play it cool with the babysitter
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
My fighting style is best known as grabbing the last slice of pizza and running away.
Someone robbed a Pensacola WallMart of 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.