Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@bossy_bootz

How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?

Please say 12 years

@mstluvstrinkets

Her: I’m running a little late.
M: how many more seconds er I mean yeah sure take your time.

Me, trying to play it cool with the babysitter

@jjax44

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

@JayMindX

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

@truegritrumble

ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.

@SentenceReduced

If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.

@delusions_of

My fighting style is best known as grabbing the last slice of pizza and running away.

@ScottLinnen

Someone robbed a Pensacola WallMart of 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.

@aka_fatman

Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.

Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.

Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.

@Freak0nIine

I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

You could say I’m on stand-bi.