Facebook codes…

Single: “Looking for sex”

In a relationship: “Having sex”

Married: “Not having sex”

It’s complicated: “Not having sex but my partner is”

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How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?

Please say 12 years


Her: I’m running a little late.
M: how many more seconds er I mean yeah sure take your time.

Me, trying to play it cool with the babysitter


I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.


“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”



ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.


My fighting style is best known as grabbing the last slice of pizza and running away.


Someone robbed a Pensacola WallMart of 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.


Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.

Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.

Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.


I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

You could say I’m on stand-bi.