@stereofiasco

Facebook codes…

Single: “Looking for sex”

In a relationship: “Having sex”

Married: “Not having sex”

It’s complicated: “Not having sex but my partner is”

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@ericaj1721

3 hours until I get to pretend I know how to do 6th grade math homework…..

@chuuew

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

@Cheeseboy22

Me: Is your friend coming or what?

16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.

Me: Why don’t you call him?

Son: I don’t know what that is.

@mdob11

‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.

@junejuly12

Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.

@shatty48

Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.

@UnIxphysco

I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes

@mejustbeth

Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.

She’s really good at that.

@Kyle_Lippert

Being popular on Twitter is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.

@hayley_hud

When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice