Facebook codes…

Single: “Looking for sex”

In a relationship: “Having sex”

Married: “Not having sex”

It’s complicated: “Not having sex but my partner is”

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3 hours until I get to pretend I know how to do 6th grade math homework…..


[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]


Me: Is your friend coming or what?

16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.

Me: Why don’t you call him?

Son: I don’t know what that is.


‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.


Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.


Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.


I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes


Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.

She’s really good at that.


Being popular on Twitter is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.


When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice