My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
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Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR