@ericaj1721
3 hours until I get to pretend I know how to do 6th grade math homework…..
@stereofiasco
Facebook codes…
Single: “Looking for sex”
In a relationship: “Having sex”
Married: “Not having sex”
It’s complicated: “Not having sex but my partner is”
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@ericaj1721
@chuuew
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
@Cheeseboy22
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
@mdob11
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
@junejuly12
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
@shatty48
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
@UnIxphysco
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
@mejustbeth
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
@Kyle_Lippert
Being popular on Twitter is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.
@hayley_hud
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice