Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
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I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
My life coach traded me.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.